T.G.I.F

I'm starting to notice more and more how agitating my current situation is. After doing so much for a person and then them dropping you out of their life as if you never existed is very peculiar. As soon as things start to get feeling better lately I remember all the things I did to help you, out of the goodness of my heart. Not in and attempt to get to a higher plateau, but in an attempt to put ease to you in times of family frustration, in times of personal frustration, and in times of heartbreak. This entire debacle began because of your feelings of disrespect. And I feel extremely disrespected, exiled, and more unappreciated than ever.

"Some Things you'll do for money, some you'll do for fun, but the things you do for love are gonna come back to you one by one."
-the Mountain Goats

And a quote from Emma Goldman my mother showed me the other night,
"Jealousy is indeed a poor medium to secure love, but it is a secure medium to destroy one's self-respect. For jealous people, like dope-fiends, stoop to the lowest level and in the end inspire only disgust and loathing."

Its been three weeks since my last post.

Needless to say, some intense feelings I have been harbouring for the past 3 months pushed me past my boiling point and I lost it. It was bound to happen. A person can only take so much negativity.

I'm excited, because I'm scheduled to work Valentine's Weekend at the greenhouse. I will be so excited to be back in my element. And then in March, we start planting. Hopefully my T4 tax return will give me enough to pay some of my VISA and get a pair of Hunter's in the meantime I've been looking for another job.

I despise lacking money. It takes so much money to drive these days.

I hope HOPE HOPE the Women's Studies department gets enough funding for the Ecofeminism program and Beauty and Bodies, I really want to go to Spring School and get caught up.

I really need to do work but I totally lack motivation after spending 12 hours away from home all day due to school.

I'm excited for this and next weekend, finally getting to see Best Coast after crushin' on Bethany for the last year.

Thats all. I have to go knit.

First two days off since December 6th (Minus Christmas and Christmas eve), have been a mix of terrible and pleasant and I don't know what to do with anything, anyone, or any of my time. I started a painting I most likely will never finish. I started picking a pimple which will most likely never disappear, and even if it does more will form I'm sure. This morning I 100% regret not going for the polar bear swim, it was so nice.

I've been listening to this song a bit.

"Oh, I wish I had a boyfriend
I wish I had a loving man in my life
I wish I had a father
Maybe then I would've turned out right
But now I'm just crazy, I'm totally mad
Yeah I'm just crazy, I'm fucked in the head
And maybe if I really tried with all of my heart
Then I could make a brand new start in love with you

Oh, I wish I had a suntan
Oh, I wish I had a pizza and a bottle of wine
Oh, I wish I had a beach house
Then we could make a big fire every night
Instead I'm just crazy, I'm totally mad
Yeah I'm just crazy, I'm fucked in the head
And maybe if I really tried with all of my heart
Then I could make a brand new start in love with you"
Girls- Lust for Life

Some of the wishes are true, like the shit about beach houses and fires and all that stuff about being fucked in the head.

my life

Tonight: Studying 11pm-12 midnight, sleeping 12-maybe 8am.
Tomorrow: Work 9-5pm at aritzia in burlington, rush to brock for 7pm exam, maybe relax at 10pm.
Wednesday: Work at the greenhouse 12-5pm, work at aritzia 7pm-midnight, sweet...
Thursday: Work at the greenhouse 12-5pm, work at aritzia 7pm-midnight, again.
Friday: Greenhouse 10am-3pm, family dinner.
Saturday: Christmas Calamity.

a small update while I should be studying

Recently I have been very uncertain about a plethora of life events. Things are finally starting to sort themselves out.

Firstly, I changed my major to Women's Studies after fighting a gruelling 2 years through a psychology major. Through this change I can happily say that pursing psychology has not amounted to nothing because I can minor in psychology. And the great thing about that is that I only need one more 3rd year course and I will be officially set for my minor in psychology and I will not need to take anymore psychology courses. Which may or may not happen. I really enjoy all the readings in psychology but writing for psychology is where I struggle immensely. The psychological jargon, and proper use of the psychological jargon is very difficult to integrate into papers without sentence structure amounting to awkwardness.

Secondly, once this year is over I will be switching into WISE (women's studies) mode. I am the most excited girl. In first year WISE was my best course mark for the year. And writing papers in WISE always returned a satisfactory if not excellent mark. I don't know why I didn't consult my advisor (which is my mother) sooner about this. As soon as I mentioned to her that I was struggling with writing for psychology, she proposed how I would most definitely struggle through my thesis year if I was already struggling in 2nd year so she proposed I switch majors. And so here I am filing paper work here and there to get my major switched.

This has created so much relief for me.

Tonight I have an exam which I feel half ready for.
Its open book, statistics. I really struggled with the first statistics midterm (and by struggled I mean I failed). Tonight I feel like I have a grasp of all concepts. I am finding the psychological approach to statistics very helpful and I've always loved math, especially when I am getting the correct answers.
Additionally tonight, there is a crazy meteor shower. I hope my awesome friends will want to go.
I'm especially happy with my friendships right now and how everyone is getting along in large groups.

I started getting more hours at work because 50% of the employees quit. And by 50% I mean the kid I work with quit. Now I am 100% of the employees. Which is great, because this month I was employee of the month! Get it?

After Christmas my boss is laying me off until valentines day, so in that event I may have to find a lil' job or something.

For friends that still appreciate the gesture of giving flowers; I can and will do flower arrangements with locally grown cut flowers for $20.00 a bunch. The arrangement includes 20 stems of mixed mums and alstroemerias. I can also do table arrangements and arrangements in vases for varying prices dependent upon what you want. The arrangements will always be fresh (none of that grocery store garbage). If you want an arrangement just get in contact with me over facebook or my cell phone number if you have it at least 48 hours in advanced so I can get supplies and order flowers. Supporting local businesses is one of my obsessions lately. After working in an industry that is ever so under appreciated because of big-box stores (the Big Bad Wolves of consumerism) smothering out struggling businesses with their 'low-low prices' and imported cheap goods.

I should really be studying.

I found your argyle sock today at the bottom of my wash.
I threw it out.
I hope you do not mind.

Semi-Charmed (By the lyrics in this song)

I'm packed and I'm holding
I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden
She lives for me, says she lives for me
Ovation, her own motivation
She comes round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile, like a drug for you
Do ever what you wanna do, coming over you
Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse
Chop another line like a coda with a curse
Come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play, she said...
I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there, someplace back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal meth, will lift you up until you break
It won't stop, I won't come down
I keep stock with the tick-tock rhythm, I bump for the drop
And then I bumped up, I took the hit that I was given
Then I bumped again, then I bumped again
I said...
How do I get back there, to the place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to the place where you said...
I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye
I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling, an earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords can make me cry
When I'm with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right, all right
And when the plane came in, she said she was crashing
The velvet it rips in the city, we tripped on the urge to feel alive
Now I'm struggling to survive, those days you were wearing that velvet dress
You're the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties they pass the test
Slide up around the belly, face down on the mattress
One
And you hold me, and we're broken
Still it's all that I wanna do, just a little now
Feel myself, head made of the ground
I'm scared, I'm not coming down
No, no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws now, locked down in a smile
But nothing is all right, all right
And I want something else, to get me through this life
Baby, I want something else
Not listening when you say...
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye
Good-bye
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Someplace back there, in the place we used to start
I want something else